99 Hilarious Quotes

1. It's funny how intimate it feels to get a text. Sophie Ellis Bextor
2. We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. Zach Galifianakis
3. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen
4. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford
5. I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. Roy Orbison
6. Literature has drawn a funny perimeter that other art forms haven't. Jonathan Safran Foer
7. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
9. This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I know you. You're that wee golfer, aren't you?' I say, 'Yeah, that's me.' They say, 'Keep it up, wee man.' It's very funny and that's why I want to stay here as long as possible. Rory McIlroy
10. I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny. Jerry Stiller
11. My dad loved to laugh. He was very funny and very silly. Mike Myers
12. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks
13. Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
14. He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
15. The next time you have a thought... let it go. Ron White
16. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood
17. A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck
18. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
19. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright
20. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
21. The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon
22. The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work. Denis Leary
23. I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny. Rihanna
24. God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. Garrison Keillor
25. You see much more of your children once they leave home. Lucille Ball
26. Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. Colin Quinn
27. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
28. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
29. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' Claude Pepper
30. For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents. James Herriot
31. In my experience, it's not just that serious books get a hearing on comedy shows. But serious books get a serious hearing, as well as a funny one, on comedy shows. Michael Mandelbaum
32. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney
33. Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting. Bill Gates
34. Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with. Andrew Stanton
35. Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. Olivia Munn
36. Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. Rowan Atkinson
37. I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny. Ridley Scott
38. Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it. Ben Stiller
39. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
40. And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny. Jeff Daniels
41. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw
42. The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire
43. The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like 'Mad Men' is disgusting. It's a super disgusting part of our culture, but I still find it funny to make a joke about it. Jonah Hill
44. People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life. Mark Ruffalo
45. Polite conversation is rarely either. Fran Lebowitz
46. So often, I read scripts and am like, 'This would never happen in real life. It's not trying to be funny. It's trying to be serious.' Shailene Woodley
47. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
48. Working with Chaplin was very amusing and strange. His films are so funny, but working with him, I found him to be a very serious man. Whereas the films of Hitchcock are macabre, he could be a very funny man to work with, always telling jokes and holding court. Of course, when I worked with Charlie he was getting older. Tippi Hedren
49. I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? Andy Warhol
50. I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen
51. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain
52. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields
53. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. Johnny Carson
54. I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman. Craig Ferguson
55. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin
56. I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. Emmitt Smith
57. That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, 'Don't go changing.' Well, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all - other people do. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
58. It's a funny old world. Margaret Thatcher
59. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter
60. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain
61. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London
62. If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke. Richard Russo
63. I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. Paula Poundstone
64. I would do it today because the thing that appealed to me was not necessarily the mechanics of the robot, but it was his personality and how funny and charming he was. John Badham
65. At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. Eric McCormack
66. You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. Colin Quinn
67. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
68. Acting is all about big hair and funny props... All the great actors knew it. Olivier knew it, Brando knew it. Harold Ramis
69. Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone. Flip Wilson
70. I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity. Tahar Ben Jelloun
71. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
72. I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place. Vera Farmiga
73. Sometimes you have to take the focus off of you and put it on someone else and it's funny what you can accomplish and how much strength you really have. Hoda Kotb
74. So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit. Al Yankovic
75. They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls. Laura Bush
76. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. Calvin Trillin
77. It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. Tom Colicchio
78. My grandchildren are fabulous and funny. Erica Jong
79. I find it so funny that people find me so interesting. Britney Spears
80. I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids. Katy Perry
81. I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. Ellen DeGeneres
82. It's funny, though, speaking of fathers and sons, because me and John Goodman played father and son, like, five or six years ago in the film 'Death Sentence,' and I got back with him again in 'Inside Llewyn Davis.' Garrett Hedlund
83. One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan
84. Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. Norm MacDonald
85. I like marriage. The idea. Toni Morrison
86. Sometimes I am so dry that people don't know I'm kidding and think I'm being serious. I enjoy this because their reactions are often funny. Robert Crais
87. Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. Lenny Bruce
88. If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. William Lyon Phelps
89. I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid. Sophia Bush
90. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
91. I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned. Kristen Bell
92. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld
93. I think it's really important for celebrities to use their power of money and fame to get their voices out there. It's funny to me that we're expected to keep quiet just because of who we are. Why do I lose my right to speak my mind because I'm famous? Lisa Edelstein
94. It's funny, though, with films, because you can incorporate a variety of elements, and sometimes that can work for you and sometimes I think it can work against you. Guy Pearce
95. I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep. Jimmy Fallon
96. For a culture that has such a problem with death, we seem to deal with it in a quite bizarre way. We see people shot, killed and blown up, and we find it funny and sexy and all those things. But, the reality of it is that every day people die, and people are really sad and they grieve and they go through a really difficult process with it. Michael Sheen
97. I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. Elayne Boosler
98. No, writing musicals is the hardest thing in the world. And it was really funny, because I remember when the South Park movie came out, there were some critics that said, 'Well it's obvious that in order to get it to be 90 minutes they filled some time with music.' Trey Parker
99. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin