99 Funniest Quotes To Laugh

1.  Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not. James Lipton
2. My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English. Margaret Cho
3. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. Lewis Black
4. Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock
5. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg
6. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney
7. You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. Larry David
8. The funny thing is that comedy movie quotes really make me out loud.
9. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen
10. I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger
11. Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world. Arthur Smith
12. It's only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now, I know that I'm skinny, because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I'm big, when I was big, I never thought about it. Karl Lagerfeld
13. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov
14. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
15. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
16. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford
17. It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds. Anthony Anderson
18. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead
19. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. Richard Dawkins
20. The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia! Vera Wang
21. I tell girls all the time that the men that have fallen in love with me, have all fallen during a man repeller stage... funny how life works out like that. Rachel Roy
22. I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. Robin Williams
23. I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill. Charlie Sheen
24. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen
25. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler
26. The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh. Joe Rogan
27. Billy is a funny, cheeky, lovely boy and I love being with him. Parenthood is terrifying though. I can barely walk past a building without panicking that it's going to collapse on his head. Rufus Sewell
28. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. Joey Adams
29. The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. Seann William Scott
30. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
31. Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Henry A. Kissinger
32. There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' Todd Phillips
33. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
34. There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James
35. Oh all the time when Victoria Wood and I did our series. There were people asking 'Can women be funny?' People still ask that. It's like asking: 'Can women breathe in and out?' Julie Walters
36. No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was. Annie Leibovitz
37. I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny, I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me. Jonathan Safran Foer
38. One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan
39. I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen
40. The prospects for a coherent, hilarious and consistent American comedy seem to lessen every year, as the poor waterlogged, gassy corpse called 'Evan Almighty' proved when it floated ashore recently. So there's a temptation to think too highly of Robin Williams's uneven but occasionally funny 'License to Wed.' Stephen Hunter
41. For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere. Kevin James
42. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
43. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers
44. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner
45. It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we've explored some of the secondary characters' personal lives a bit more. Matt Groening
46. I believe, in a funny way, the job of the novelist is to be out there on the fringes and speaking for an experience that has not really been spoken for. Donna Tartt
47. Be obscure clearly. E. B. White
48. I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin
49. I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope
50. It's funny, the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast, loose and improvised, and get somebody to laugh. Abel Ferrara
51. It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior. Scarlett Johansson
52. Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? Elayne Boosler
53. When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. Esther Williams
54. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres
55. I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times. Jackie Mason
56. I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. Elayne Boosler
57. A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. David Brenner
58. And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it. Al Franken
59. Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? Robert Benchley
60. I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? Andy Warhol
61. It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. Bill Hicks
62. When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. Paul Merton
63. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
64. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
65. It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. Mae West
66. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld
67. I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one. Wendy Liebman
68. I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host. David Letterman
69. Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense. Tippi Hedren
70. On the stage you're there, it's live. There's a beginning, a middle, an end. When something is funny you hear it right away. Theodore Bikel
71. It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry. Alan Ladd
72. I find it so funny that people find me so interesting. Britney Spears
73. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. J. D. Salinger
74. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck
75. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger
76. I thought I was funny as a kid. Jo Brand
77. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth
78. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
79. You know what's funny to me? Attitude. Don Rickles
80. What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over. Paul Feig
81. But, sooner or later I'd love to do a comedy. I mean I think that, you know, people don't think that that's in my wheelhouse because I've sort of played a lot of dramatic stuff and that's certainly a side of myself that I want at some point in the right context, in the right stuff, that I find really funny. Matthew Fox
82. One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably. John Hodgman
83. I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. Steve Martin
84. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
85. I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. Heath Ledger
86. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
87. I want to be in 'Funny Girl.' And I want Ryan Murphy to direct it. Lea Michele
88. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. Richard Lewis
89. Here's the funny thing about the response I've been aware of to my dating famous people: It's been very negative. I'm either not good-looking enough, not a good enough actor or not successful enough for these people. Dax Shepard
90. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller
91. People forget how outcast 'They Might Be Giants' can be. They have a reputation for writing really deft, funny, clever melodies, and they also make a lot of music for kids, which is terrific, but when you see them in concert, they can rock the house. John Hodgman
92. I'd like to do a film which is funny. Clive Owen
93. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
94. They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls. Laura Bush
95. I don't think, 'Gee, I'd like to dress this person.' There was a picture in Us magazine. It was a jersey dress, and Courtney Love was wearing it. I have this thing about Courtney Love, this funny worship. Marc Jacobs
96. With Portlandia, I don't think our intention is always to find something funny. Sometimes the humor comes from taking something really seriously. We're okay with making somebody feel uncomfortable or uneasy. Carrie Brownstein
97. It's funny to be a critic. Leslie Fiedler
98. You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes right at this sort of funny taboo we have about the bathroom, and he turned it into this nightmare, you know, your worst fear of what's in there. Lawrence Kasdan
99. My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage. Beth Ditto