99 Stupid But Funny Quotes

1.  Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H. L. Mencken
2. It's funny, though, speaking of fathers and sons, because me and John Goodman played father and son, like, five or six years ago in the film 'Death Sentence,' and I got back with him again in 'Inside Llewyn Davis.' Garrett Hedlund
3. It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks. Joe Rogan
4. It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger
5. I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience what things are funny and not. Keenen Ivory Wayans
6. I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. Steve Martin
7. When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. David Brenner
8. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney
9. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.' Adam Carolla
10. Sometimes, when an unexpected times, stupid nicknames give you a good laugh and strength your connections. 
11. I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. Kristen Stewart
12. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips
13. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' Isaac Asimov
14. I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. Will Ferrell
15. Sometimes I am so dry that people don't know I'm kidding and think I'm being serious. I enjoy this because their reactions are often funny. Robert Crais
16. I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting. Martha Plimpton
17. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
18. I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. Hillary Clinton
19. The key is just to ignore the pain, because physical comedy only works if you see someone get hurt and they aren't actually hurt. If someone gets hit in the face with a bat, falls down, and gets back up, it's funny. If they stay down and their jaw is wired shut in the next scene, it's really tragic and weird. You have to pretend it doesn't hurt. Chris Pratt
20. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby
21. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine
22. Memory is funny. Once you hit a vein the problem is not how to remember but how to control the flow. Tobias Wolff
23. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
24. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
25. I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. Joe Rogan
26. If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman
27. People used to be funny about approaching me, but now they seem to think I'm as sane as anyone who's done what I've done in movies can be. Philip Seymour Hoffman
28. It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' Ice Cube
29. Hemingway seems to be in a funny position. People nowadays can't identify with him closely as a member of their own generation, and he isn't yet historical. Leslie Fiedler
30. You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. Ken Kesey
31. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth
32. A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. Ernest Hemingway
33. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin
34. It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny. Seth Green
35. It's funny, when people talk about the 70s I can tell you the year of every album but when it comes to the later efforts I can't remember the exact years, it's funny isn't it? Steve Hackett
36. I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake. Leslie Fiedler
37. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen
38. Everybody's funny in different ways. Colin Quinn
39. What I fell in love with as a child was 'My Fair Lady,' 'Funny Face,' 'American in Paris,' and 'Singin' in the Rain.' Just perfect movies to me and I was dancing. I started ballet when I was three. And I fell in love with those movies and fell in love with Audrey Hepburn and Leslie Caron. Dianna Agron
40. If you look at the game and everything, it's not quite like looking at an animated film, because that's total character. This, this is really movement, but it's got funny little things if you look for the humor. They're actually getting to the character. Don Bluth
41. It's funny, because when you're younger you're in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows? Mark Wahlberg
42. Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid. Jim Lehrer
43. Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. George Orwell
44. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
45. If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. Logan P. Smith
46. I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something. Carl Hiaasen
47. I would love to play 'Funny Girl' or 'Evita,' but I idolize the women who have played those parts. I don't know if there needs to be another version of those shows. Idina Menzel
48. I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction. Ben Stiller
49. They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? Casey Stengel
50. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? Arnold Schwarzenegger
51. I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra
52. I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece. Rob Corddry
53. It's funny, because I never think of myself as Little Miss All-Together. Courteney Cox
54. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
55. I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. Calvin Trillin
56. I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony. Anne Lamott
57. Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. Colin Quinn
58. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks
59. I show them the funny part, the silly part, the laughing part, the crazy part and then the really deep, deep part where I'm talking from my heart to these people. Because I've been through everything they've been through. Richard Simmons
60. No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12. Rowan Atkinson
61. I think Chris Rock at the Oscars was a great example. I thought that was intellectually hilarious. The Gap starts a war with Banana Republic... That to me was funny. Christopher Meloni
62. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a form of service journalism. To be successful, I think it has to be a combination of a good story, it has to be funny, and it also needs to be packed with useful information. Ted Allen
63. We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. Zach Galifianakis
64. If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't. Steve Coogan
65. Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase
66. It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. Mindy Kaling
67. For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. George A. Romero
68. If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants and entourage, it's funny to see what happens. Daryl Hall
69. There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity. Kristen Wiig
70. It's so funny, because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead, I tend to get very focused and serious. So, I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now. Gillian Anderson
71. I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion. Anthony Anderson
72. Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. Elisha Cuthbert
73. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin
74. It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them! Emily Giffin
75. My dad loved to laugh. He was very funny and very silly. Mike Myers
76. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
77. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno
78. The funny thing is the songs that people think are about me probably aren't. And the songs that are probably are the ones they wouldn't think... so that's where it kind of is funny. LeAnn Rimes
79. Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. Don Rickles
80. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
81. It is not funny that anything else should fall down only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified. Gilbert K. Chesterton
82. Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. George Lopez
83. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright
84. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson
85. As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. P. J. O'Rourke
86. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
87. There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. Bill Cosby
88. Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals. Larry Hagman
89. On the stage you're there, it's live. There's a beginning, a middle, an end. When something is funny you hear it right away. Theodore Bikel
90. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw
91. It's interesting that whenever I meet some of the other Bond girls, I always have something in common, and it is an interesting sorority. We all share about our Bonds. 'Did your Bond do that?' 'Yes mine did!' So it is quite funny conversations. We may as well be in high school. Jane Seymour
92. The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. Joe Rogan
93. There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. Jean Baudrillard
94. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright
95. Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all. George M. Cohan
96. I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' Louis C. K.
97. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't. Steve Coogan
98. Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. Tom Lehrer
99. My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English. Margaret Cho