99 Funniest Quotes

 A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters. Barbara Corcoran

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. Steve Jobs

It's funny, as you live through something you're not aware of it. Maya Lin

It's funny, in a way the actor is a writer. It's not like the two things are so separate as to be like apples and oranges. The writer and the actor are one. Sam Shepard

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. Steve Irwin

It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. Danny Boyle

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield

Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone. Flip Wilson

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin

All funny selfie captions have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. Todd Barry

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. Lewis Black

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Rita Rudner

It's funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I'm not that. I don't want to be that. Kellan Lutz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but it's funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way. Jarvis Cocker

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' Ice Cube

In Italy, I had an Afro, and a lot of the kids came up and felt my hair. It really was funny. I wish I had understood Italian. Sugar Ray Leonard

The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy. Tommy Chong

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck

I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't. Olivia Munn

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest. Janeane Garofalo

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' Isaac Asimov

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Robert Byrne

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense. Tippi Hedren

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. Audrey Hepburn

I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake. Leslie Fiedler

I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film. Melissa Rosenberg

There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. Doug Coupland

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. Robert Benchley

It's funny, because I did all of these interviews as soon as I had the baby, and they were asking questions, and I really didn't have an idea of anything, because I was so blurry. Emily Procter

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. George Orwell

All my children inherited perfect pitch. Chevy Chase

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing. Eddie Izzard

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. Joe Rogan

I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips. R. L. Stine

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose. David Spade

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny. Mindy Kaling

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin

Acting is all about big hair and funny props... All the great actors knew it. Olivier knew it, Brando knew it. Harold Ramis

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids. Katy Perry

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. Arthur C. Clarke

And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery slope. I always say to myself I'm never going to give anything away because there's never any point or benefit for me. Kristen Stewart

Never put a sock in a toaster. Eddie Izzard

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time. Tina Yothers

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. Kristen Stewart

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. Donald Trump

I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side. Parker Posey

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go. Dave Chappelle

Men are only as loyal as their options. Bill Maher

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life. Lalu Prasad Yadav

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?' Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said, 'I will do unspeakable things.' I thought that was very interesting - and mildly terrifying! Josh Hutcherson

I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius. Amy Poehler

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge

Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in. Hank Azaria

It's funny, because I sometimes feel that I'm most creative when I'm pregnant. Georgina Chapman

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. David Sedaris

I got pregnant at 40 by surprise. It's funny, because when we found out we were pregnant, I said, 'Okay, let's experience that.' You just have to just go with it because it's rare. Julianna Margulies

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people. Kathy Griffin

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. Norman Wisdom

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. Zach Galifianakis

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. Cathy Guisewite

I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms are especially great. I wash my hands twice waiting for people to come in and start talking. Lynda Barry

I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. Calvin Trillin

My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not. Anna Held

I'm an off-road racecar driver. And I think every woman in my life has told me that's not a sensible hobby. But when I was growing, even more than I wanted to be funny, I wanted to be a racecar driver. That's all I thought about. I worked for a race team when I was 15 and I traveled with them. Dax Shepard

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. Fanny Brice

It's funny, though, with films, because you can incorporate a variety of elements, and sometimes that can work for you and sometimes I think it can work against you. Guy Pearce

"Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.;Katey Sagal;funny

26270;My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty.;Ian Hislop;funny

26271;I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.;Dave Chappelle;funny

26272;It's funny recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child.;Dave Grohl;funny

26273;It's funny I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.;Corey Feldman;funny

26274;It's funny, having the same name as someone. Me, Emma Watson and Emma Stone, the amount of times I've been called Emma Watson or Emma Stone is so funny. It's just 'cause we're all named Emma. None of us look alike.;Emma Roberts;funny

26275;I don't really have a type of guy I like. It's just like nice guys, cute boys I mean, ones that are funny.;Emma Roberts;funny

26276;But I think Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really got that thing where, if a movie reads really funny and then has some dramatic or violent or sinister stuff in it, you can't forget that primarily it has to be even funnier than you read it or that other stuff doesn't work.;Robert Downey, Jr.;funny

26277;I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.;Rachael Ray;funny

26278;And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me.;Drew Brees;funny

26279;I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.;Rainn Wilson;funny

26280;We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.;Matt Groening;funny

26281;Sometimes people get mad at The Simpsons' subversive story telling, but there's another message in there, which is a celebration of making wild, funny stories.;Matt Groening;funny

26282;I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.;Dane Cook;funny

26283;I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.;Jimmy Carr;funny

26284;Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.;Lee Trevino;funny

26285;Music is more difficult - try naming a political band. The Dead Kennedys. The Dead Kennedys are political, but they are more funny than they are political.;Thom Yorke;funny

26286;We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.;David Walliams;funny

26287;I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show.;Andy Cohen;funny

26288;I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.;Frank Carson;funny

26289;It's unbearable when someone changes around you. Just imagine that your life partner changes, then it is difficult to cope with. Or your mother. Or your father. They were strong and now they're like a baby - it's not so funny.;Michael Haneke;funny

26290;'Funny Games' was conceived as a provocation. My other films are different. If people feel my other films are, or respond to them as provocation, then that's quite different. 'Funny Games' is the only one of mine where my intention was to provoke the audience.;Michael Haneke;funny

26291;When I first envisioned 'Funny Games' in the mid-1990s, it was my intention to have an American audience watch the movie. It is a reaction to a certain American cinema, its violence, its naivety, the way American cinema toys with human beings. In many American films, violence is made consumable.;Michael Haneke;funny

26292;I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.;Paul Feig;funny

26293;For years, it's driven me crazy that women don't have better roles, especially in comedies. I know so many funny women but I always felt... misogynist streak is too strong a term - but a dismissiveness.;Paul Feig;funny

26294;I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke. Paul Feig"

Justin Timberlake is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool. Britney Spears

It's funny now how much we look at - whatever you want to call it: art, design, culture stuff, film - online, and how in the online world, you're instantly global. Mike Mills

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? Don Rickles

I appreciate humor so much, but I'm actually not a funny girl. Emmanuelle Chriqui

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher

This may sound funny, but as much as the 'Today' show matured me, it also was something of a cocoon. I'd been happy there. I never went into the boss's office and pounded my fist on the desk, saying, 'Give me more money! Give me a prime-time show!' Jane Pauley

Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens. David Hyde Pierce

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female. Jo Brand

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. Rob Corddry

I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist. You know when you realize you have a choice and I'm choosing my homeland. It's funny: when you get older these things creep up to you. Alan Cumming

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate. Sloane Crosley

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem

It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior. Scarlett Johansson

The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia! Vera Wang

I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me. Paul Lynde