99 Funny Quotes

1.  If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. Calvin Trillin
2. Nothing's funny about someone who's successful. Drew Carey
3. I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. Don Rickles
4. He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
5. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres
6. And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny. Jeff Daniels
7. I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen
8. It's funny that I got to do 'On the Road' because the thing that had the biggest impact on me growing up was reading books. I was very inspired by the book and this spirit of Dean Moriarty and how envious we all are of somebody who can be that carefree. Garrett Hedlund
9. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld
10. I don't mean to be funny. Yogi Berra
11. I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said. Lyn Nofziger
12. When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. Esther Williams
13. Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it. Philip Seymour Hoffman
14. Memory is funny. Once you hit a vein the problem is not how to remember but how to control the flow. Tobias Wolff
15. It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken
16. You're only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz
17. Mmmm... the comedy that matters is the comedy you pull out of thin air. It's a bit like when something funny has happened and you try to explain it to someone else and end up saying, 'You had to be there.' Jack Dee
18. If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was? Adam Carolla
19. People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?' Al Yankovic
20. They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny.That made me the coolest aunt on earth. Tina Yothers
21. I do find comedy difficult. I don't know why. Maybe I think about it too much. There's a tremendous amount of pressure to be funny. Michelle Pfeiffer
22. I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. Paris Hilton
23. Kyle Baker's work is really funny, but it's also got a very clear vision. Bill Sienkiewicz
24. I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. Dave Attell
25. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan
26. I think I would say 'The King's Speech' is surprisingly funny, in fact the audiences in London, Toronto, LA, New York commented there's more laughter in this film than in most comedies, while it is also a moving tear-jerker with an uplifting ending. Tom Hooper
27. If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't. Steve Coogan
28. I just couldn't go back to Suddenly Susan after David Strickland's suicide. I didn't see how we could make the show light and funny any more. Judd Nelson
29. What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright
30. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan
31. Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? Don Rickles
32. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx
33. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz
34. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde
35. I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose. David Spade
36. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. Josh Billings
37. The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire
38. I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity. Tahar Ben Jelloun
39. It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. Chuck Palahniuk
40. The funny thing is that I write and I act a lot about being Jewish, but I don't really think about it as a regular person. Liev Schreiber
41. When I was a kid, I wanted to be serious, like Daniel Day-Lewis. No one really dreams of being a comic actor, do they? Now I realise how stupid that is - and it's because comic acting isn't taken seriously enough. It's a discipline. You know instantly - either you're funny and getting the laughs, or you're not. Chris O'Dowd
42. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel
43. Oh all the time when Victoria Wood and I did our series. There were people asking 'Can women be funny?' People still ask that. It's like asking: 'Can women breathe in and out?' Julie Walters
44. When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. Paul Merton
45. I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin' the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life. Chris Isaak
46. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
47. I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing? Lenny Kravitz
48. I would love to play 'Funny Girl' or 'Evita,' but I idolize the women who have played those parts. I don't know if there needs to be another version of those shows. Idina Menzel
49. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood
50. During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one. Jerry Stiller
51. It's a funny thing about life if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. W. Somerset Maugham
52. And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it. Al Franken
53. I think when you do comedy, you play by a different set of rules. No one really wants you to be in that good shape. Being in good shape implies a level of vanity that isn't necessarily funny. Seth Rogen
54. I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it. Robert Downey, Jr.
55. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West
56. It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior. Scarlett Johansson
57. It's funny, when people talk about the 70s I can tell you the year of every album but when it comes to the later efforts I can't remember the exact years, it's funny isn't it? Steve Hackett
58. It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks. Joe Rogan
59. Strange questions are the more interesting ones. Children by and large don't try to trip you up... they want to find out how you do this funny thing that you do... if they've loved a story they love to know how it started. Michael Morpurgo
60. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
61. The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia! Vera Wang
62. Literature has drawn a funny perimeter that other art forms haven't. Jonathan Safran Foer
63. Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that. Ice Cube
64. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. William Feather
65. I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it. LeBron James
66. I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture. Sloane Crosley
67. The key is just to ignore the pain, because physical comedy only works if you see someone get hurt and they aren't actually hurt. If someone gets hit in the face with a bat, falls down, and gets back up, it's funny. If they stay down and their jaw is wired shut in the next scene, it's really tragic and weird. You have to pretend it doesn't hurt. Chris Pratt
68. If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke. Richard Russo
69. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno
70. It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we've explored some of the secondary characters' personal lives a bit more. Matt Groening
71. Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. Graham Norton
72. It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds. Anthony Anderson
73. We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. Logan P. Smith
74. The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore
75. You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. Ken Kesey
76. I got pregnant at 40 by surprise. It's funny, because when we found out we were pregnant, I said, 'Okay, let's experience that.' You just have to just go with it because it's rare. Julianna Margulies
77. It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. Mindy Kaling
78. I feel funny about owning art. I don't really want to say: 'Wow, come and see my Monet - it's in a dark room at the bottom of my cellar.' Baz Luhrmann
79. I don't just try to be funny. Bil Keane
80. It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' Garrett Hedlund
81. I think one of the basic tasks in life - one of the nice things we can do for each other - is to take things that are horrible and scary and make them acceptable and less frightening and, if possible, funny. It feels great to succeed at that. Julia Sweeney
82. You can't be funny for funny's sake. You try to get as outrageous situation as you can but it always has to be believable and based in real character motivations and what people would really do. Hank Azaria
83. That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, 'Don't go changing.' Well, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all - other people do. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
84. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
85. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields
86. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. Red Skelton
87. I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' Louis C. K.
88. It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. Gertrude Stein
89. I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be? Orlando Bloom
90. Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it's funny. You're just sitting there like, 'Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?' It's such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy. Todd Phillips
91. Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. Ronald Reagan
92. If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin
93. The token gay character is always so funny and so fantastic. That's happened a lot. Or they're often purely victims. Ezra Miller
94. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck
95. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
96. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke
97. In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever. Trey Parker
98. I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. Heath Ledger
99. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers