99 Jokes Quotes

1. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde
2. Polite conversation is rarely either. Fran Lebowitz
3. My main point is to be funny if I can slip a message in there, fine. Flip Wilson
4. The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband. Francesca Annis
5. A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know. Laurence J. Peter
6. I show them the funny part, the silly part, the laughing part, the crazy part and then the really deep, deep part where I'm talking from my heart to these people. Because I've been through everything they've been through. Richard Simmons
7. Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking. Guy Pearce
8. My job is mostly to entertain and be funny. Rosie O'Donnell
9. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. J. D. Salinger
10. The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen
11. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers
12. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson
13. I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny. Harry Connick, Jr.
14. I don't really necessarily think I'm a funny guy, but I like the opportunity to take on something that I don't feel I'm the best at doing. Seann William Scott
15. I think 'Saturday Night Live', starting in the 1970s, really gave women an outlet to be funny. A lot of those women went on to have film careers, from Kristen Wiig now to Tina Fey and Gilda Radner. Emma Stone
16. It's funny that it all becomes about clothes. It's bizarre. You work your butt off and then you win an award and it's all about your dress. You can't get away from it. Reese Witherspoon
17. I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. Molly Ivins
18. Funny is an attitude. Flip Wilson
19. So often, I read scripts and am like, 'This would never happen in real life. It's not trying to be funny. It's trying to be serious.' Shailene Woodley
20. Gotta stay in the gym, stay funny, stay sharp. I just love working. Marlon Wayans
21. I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. Brittany Snow
22. I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. Heath Ledger
23. In my experience, it's not just that serious books get a hearing on comedy shows. But serious books get a serious hearing, as well as a funny one, on comedy shows. Michael Mandelbaum
24. I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' Larry David
25. I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
26. What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. David Sedaris
27. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
28. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
29. Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis
30. What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. Scott Hamilton
31. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
32. This may sound funny, but as much as the 'Today' show matured me, it also was something of a cocoon. I'd been happy there. I never went into the boss's office and pounded my fist on the desk, saying, 'Give me more money! Give me a prime-time show!' Jane Pauley
33. I find it so funny that people find me so interesting. Britney Spears
34. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke
35. I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully. Jo Brand
36. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman
37. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan
38. I'm for whatever gets you through the night. Frank Sinatra
39. When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner
40. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? Arnold Schwarzenegger
41. I think Chris Rock at the Oscars was a great example. I thought that was intellectually hilarious. The Gap starts a war with Banana Republic... That to me was funny. Christopher Meloni
42. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. Lewis Black
43. Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way. Doris Lessing
44. It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible. Johnny Knoxville
45. I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. Steve Martin
46. It's funny, because I'm a man of strong opinions and when I make one, I stand by it even if it starts to appear incorrect to me after a while. Danny Bonaduce
47. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov
48. I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. Jay London
49. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. Walt Whitman
50. I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny. Rihanna
51. Some of the writers I admire who seem very, very funny and very emotional to me can develop a closeness with the reader without giving too much of themselves away. Lorrie Moore comes to mind, as does David Sedaris. When they write, the reader thinks that they're being trusted as a friend. Sloane Crosley
52. The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. Seann William Scott
53. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
54. I auditioned for a solo in church and got it. I was about seven and I sang a song called, 'Jesus, I Heard You Had a Big House' and I remember people standing up at the end and me thinking, 'Oh, I think I'm going to like this.' That's how it all began. Sounds funny to say you got your start in church, but I did. Kristin Chenoweth
55. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant
56. I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature. Patty Duke
57. I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid. Sophia Bush
58. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers
59. You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. Colin Quinn
60. I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov
61. I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis
62. It's funny to be a critic. Leslie Fiedler
63. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' Claude Pepper
64. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld
65. I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up. Matt LeBlanc
66. I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. Roy Orbison
67. Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben
68. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.' Adam Carolla
69. A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters. Barbara Corcoran
70. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine
71. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
72. I took 'P.S. I Love You' thinking it was going to be a little funny, and I ended up crying every day on that film. Hilary Swank
73. It's so funny, because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead, I tend to get very focused and serious. So, I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now. Gillian Anderson
74. It's funny, because I did all of these interviews as soon as I had the baby, and they were asking questions, and I really didn't have an idea of anything, because I was so blurry. Emily Procter
75. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. Joey Adams
76. I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny. Ridley Scott
77. It was always a fantasy of mine growing up - my favorite program was always 'Little House on the Prairie' - so I always wanted to wear those looks. When I was a child, I wouldn't let my mom put me in anything but calico dresses and now... whaddaya know, every day I'm in a calico dress, basically, so it's kind of funny. Chloe Sevigny
78. You can't be funny for funny's sake. You try to get as outrageous situation as you can but it always has to be believable and based in real character motivations and what people would really do. Hank Azaria
79. I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me. Greg Kinnear
80. My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. Angie Dickinson
81. This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I know you. You're that wee golfer, aren't you?' I say, 'Yeah, that's me.' They say, 'Keep it up, wee man.' It's very funny and that's why I want to stay here as long as possible. Rory McIlroy
82. It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger
83. Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. Josh Billings
84. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
85. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
86. I think sometimes my humor is extremely dry, and a lot of times I would say things that I thought were very funny but... I have a reputation of - people think of me as a very fundamentalist, humorless fellow. Ian MacKaye
87. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
88. People don't want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That's why comedy writers do well - we put out little funny ideas. Mindy Kaling
89. It is possible in this world to be pretty and funny and successful all at the same time. Olivia Munn
90. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright
91. If you look at the game and everything, it's not quite like looking at an animated film, because that's total character. This, this is really movement, but it's got funny little things if you look for the humor. They're actually getting to the character. Don Bluth
92. They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? Casey Stengel
93. Movies these days have made killers into funny people. What's that all about? I've got kids and family and friends, and I don't like bad things. I don't think they're funny, and it's irresponsible to make movies that don't show you how that's not good. Billy Bob Thornton
94. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
95. It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. Mindy Kaling
96. When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. Paul Merton
97. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. Joe Rogan
98. To me, what separates a funny movie from a good movie is something personal. Seth Rogen
99. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin